so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
