I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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