At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
