He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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