i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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