trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
