just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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