Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
