guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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