I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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