Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
