My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
