so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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