I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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