He passed out mid-signature
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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