my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
me + whiskey = a bad person
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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