please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
