whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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