My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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