Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
