Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I will die if light touches me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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