I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
