What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
