Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
