I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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