Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
