I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
bring money and cleavage
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
