im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
