I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
