her facebook's as public as her vagina
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
