I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
