my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
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