The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
