i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
