Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
