ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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