apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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