I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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