I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
