You just made me feel so damn special
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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