What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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