I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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