I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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