so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
