i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
