I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
A+ Viking dick
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
