We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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