did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
