Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We were destined to go to rehab together
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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