new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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