i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
